Dealing with the Weight of Expectations

Monday 14th April 2025

Every day, we navigate multiple identities shaped by our gender, race, and age. As we move through different stages of life, we take on roles such as student, parent, partner, and friend. While we recognise these identities and their responsibilities, we may not always be fully aware of the expectations that come with them.

There are moments where we are proud of what we have accomplished, and then others where we fall short of our expectations and let ourselves or others down because we cannot perform up to the standards that are expected of us.

This cycle often leads to frustration because we create illusions of how our own lives—and the lives of others—should unfold. Expectations happen because we want things to be done in a certain way, but when reality doesn’t align with these expectations, we feel disappointed. So the moment we let go of rigid expectations and stop anticipating how others should act, we finally have the chance to open the door towards contentment.

Where do expectations stem from?

Expectations are internal and external. They come from a variety of places, most often from those who have the greatest influence on your life or the environment you were born into.

• We can experience external expectations from society where ideas are imposed around what our career choices, relationships, and success should look like.
• Family members can also apply specific expectations around educational achievements, career paths, or cultural/traditional roles.
• When we enter a relationship, we can get into a mindset where we expect specific behaviours and treatment from others.
• And then, internally, we hold ourselves to expectations based on our goals, aspirations, and desires. And then we link our identity to what we achieve.

Sometimes, however, expectations arise from a void within us—something we’re trying to fill. At the heart of that void often lies fear: fear of not being enough as we are or of being insignificant without accomplishments the world defines as success.

What causes pressure in expectations?

Many of our identities are tied to our achievements. But sometimes, when we struggle with identity, we set unrealistic goals, mistaking them for ambition. Society then reinforces these pressures, making success feel like a validation of our existence, leaving us feeling lost when we fall short.

When we don’t meet our expectations, we experience:

• Internal stress, which leads to burnout and mental health issues.
• The fear of failing, which in turn prevents us from achieving our fullest potential.
• Strained relationships and increased conflict
• A constant feeling like we aren’t enough

But it doesn’t have to be like this. Dealing with overwhelming expectations can be improved, when you shift your mindset.

How to deal with the weight of expectations?

Awareness is the first step towards dealing with expectations. Once you become aware of the expectations you carry, where they come from, and how they are impacting your life, there’s a better chance you’ll be able to understand them.

For example, if you constantly feel the need to overachieve at school, take a step back and ask yourself why. Is it driven by personal ambition, or is it rooted in expectations from parents who equated success with worth?

Next, it’s important to see if the expectations in your life are healthy and unhealthy. Are they promoting positive growth or creating unrealistic standards? By distinguishing between what genuinely serves your growth and what holds you back, you can begin to let go of the pressure and focus on goals that inspire and empower you.

Communication must be had with others if they are pressuring you to achieve specific goals. An open and honest conversation will create a more realistic reality. If that doesn’t work, setting boundaries is another tactic that can help you protect your mental and emotional well-being.

Tip! If a project or goal sounds too daunting, try breaking it down into smaller steps to slowly make your way through it. For example, if you have an exam in 4 weeks and you’re internally setting expectations of getting top marks, then it’s important to set a study plan each week leading up to the exam rather than cramming it all in the night before.

Setting expectations is inevitable sometimes, so no matter the situation, it’s important to be kind to yourself and understand that you may make mistakes along the way. Falling short of expectations is part of being human. But having healthy self-compassion helps to create resilience as you grow.

Goals vs expectations

If we’re constantly setting expectations in our lives and feeling the weight of them letting us down, why should we bother? Should we just abandon our goals? The key lies in the balance between the two.

Goals are the bars we set for ourselves—something to work towards, driven by action and the effort we’re willing to put in. Expectations, on the other hand, are tied to outcomes. They assume we’ll eventually reach that bar. When we tie our happiness to achieving an outcome rather than enjoying the process, we miss out on the joy found in the journey itself.

So, instead of focusing solely on the end result, what we expect will happen, it’s important to appreciate the journey and value the skills, experiences, and personal growth you gain along the way. Striving towards your expectations often offers the most significant opportunities for self-development.

3 steps to manage expectations in a healthy way

Curious to know some coping mechanisms to manage expectations in a healthy way? Here are our top tips:

1. Live in the moment and appreciate: Take a look at what’s currently in front of you. Find ways to appreciate what you have and where you’re at in your personal journey rather than wishing your life was different. It’s good to aspire, but also important to feel content with how far you’ve already come.
2. Respond vs react: Ever gotten in a fight and expected someone to act differently than they did? Sometimes, adding a short pause between a thought and an action, such as hurtful words, can make all the difference in avoiding mistakes and regret.
3. Understand it’s not always up to you: You can make all the plans you want, but you cannot control every outcome. Sometimes life turns left, right, and upside down and you just have to accept how certain situations fall into place. So there’s no need to waste time getting angry. Often, that’s the beauty of life, something better may be on its way.

Don’t let your expectations get in the way of your high school success

In secondary school, when you’re learning new subjects, meeting a wide variety of friends, and trying out different sports, it’s important to focus on the experiences and growth along the way. Don’t let the pressure of meeting expectations stop you from fully engaging in all these exciting opportunities.

At St. Francis Xavier College, we understand that students often face challenges with expectations, both academically and personally. That’s why we are dedicated to supporting them every step of the way, helping them navigate these pressures and thrive. Contact us to learn more about our campuses, opportunities, and curriculum.